Hetalia: The Secret of the Spatula
by badfanficsfromaloser
Summary: Courtesy of an online generator.


Everyone who looked could see there was a undeniably, ravenous animal attraction between Italy and Germany. No one could deny it. No one except Germany and Italy, that is. They seemed blissfully unaware of their attraction to each-other. Unaware of their boundless uncontrollable lust. Every time they met they didn't show it, but everyone knew. Everyone knew what was really going on between them. A war of lust. And everyone knew that it was a unsuitable situation. No one wanted to be dragged into that war. Something had to be someone. In the beginning there was Flag bikini its legendary power surrounded in mystery... In the middle of all this, finally,Japan could stand it no longer. He found Italy, and pulled them to one side "Thats it! its ruining the team. Its clear you cant function while Germany is around!" "What no! I am fine." "No. Its very clear. You need to do the Aggressive cuddling with them" Everyone else in the room nodded at this. "But doing the aggressive cuddling with Germany...isn't that..umm...wrong?" "Oh, sure, its wrong. Very very wrong. But just because somethings wrong doesn't mean it shouldn't happen does it?" "No, I suppose not" Italy wondered off thinking of the aggressive cuddling...how will he introduce the idea to Germany? and would they accept it? On a cold september, after my great adventures, I was wondering what to do that week. I had picked up my life from where I left it and wanted to make something from it. Then all the sudden a strange woman appeared on my doorstep. She was hiden beneath a long cloak and had long brown nails on her fingers. Her dirty hair fluished down from beneath the cloak and she had glowing eyes! "You are not who you think you are!" said the strange woman. "What do you mean?" I said. "You are not who you think you are," she said again with a mysterious crackling voice like a bad radio transmission. "I still don't understand you?" I said. "Here, take this," she said and gave I an Buddy Christ. "Take this and give it to your parents or guardian, they will know what to do with it!" And with that she disappeared before my eyes! I was confused but thought that I had to do something. But rather than going to my parents or guardian, I decided to show it to Japan. "Oh no," said Japan, "you must forget about this!" "Why?" I enquired, "what do you know?!" "I... I can't tell you. My dear Italy, I didn't think it would be this soon!" "What?!" I yelled, "are you keeping things away from me?!" "It's ... it's for your own good! You cannot know this!" said Japan and before I could do anything, Japan had escaped my grasp. "No! Dammit! When will I ever know the truth?!" I was feeling depressed. One of my best friends abandoned and betrayed me. It hurt. So I wanted to find Belgium. After their adventure, I and Belgium had been spending a lot of time together. I kind of started to like her. So I went to Belgium and told the whole story. She listened to me without saying a single word. Then she said: "WTF, this is sooo big" And I said: I know! Do you know a way to find out what is happening? Why is everyone hiding things from me?!" Belgium sighed and said: "You have always been special, I and not just to me." "How do you know that?" Belgium looked at the hand mirror that I had received and said: "it kind of looks like the Flag bikini, doesn't it?" "could be...but it might not be...but, yeah,certainly it might be" "Whatever it is, I can recognise it quite well. And I think," Belgium said, "that perhaps the mysterious woman wanted you to find something inside of you. "Inside? Like my heart?" "No, don't be silly, like a mamory. Think about it, if your parents lied to you and now Japan doesn't want to talk to you about your background, perhaps there is a hidden memory in your head!" Belgium's logic was flawless. So I had to try it! So I concentrated on the object. immeditately I felt drawn into it. It stated ouit as a vague, fuzzy thing like when you wear glasses and there is a lot of moisture in the air and you see a cock on the horizon. But then it turned out that there was a secret memory, hidden beneath the vail layer of self-loving in my head. And within that memory, a burning figure appeared. It was Russia! In hell... I was confused. I didn't think that memory would be in there, and yet it was there, burning like the heart of a newborn star and the centre of the earth. Arriving at the mysterious shack, I found that there was an item laying on the table in the shack. Around the shack was a mysterious circle drawn in sand or perhaps salt. "Be careful" said Germany who as usually was cowardly squatting behind me. I carefully manuvred into the shack and on my tiptoes and scuttled forward. The floorboards beneath my feet croaked and I could hear a loud hummer coming from the table. There the Flag bikini laid. Right there for my taking. But I was clever. I knew it was a trap! So I said to Germany, "Why don't you take it, it looks safe." And Germany was like "Oh, well, if you're sure, I will!" I slowly paced backwards and let him to do the taking. I knew that if it was a trap, Germany would be triggering it. And then Russia would get him, but not me. I knew Germany wouldn't mind sacrifcing himself for me. He always said that. But forutnately when Germany grabbed the Flag bikini, nothing happened. Except we were cowardly attacked by security gaurds! They decended into the shack and fired shurikons at us, but we managed the dodge them quite well (by turning sideways). We then sneaked away by using the furniture and table as cover for us. But now with the Flag bikini in our hands, we could take Russia straight on! Italy finally found a moment to pull Germany away from the others, to have a private moment. "Italy we have to do it" "I know, my team told me as well. Apparently our feelings are causing problems for everyone else." "So we are agreed? We finally let our feelings out of their cages of repression they have been caged in all this time?" "Yes. For the team" "No...for us" Italy leapt on Germany at that raging rhinoceros they kept locked up finally unleashed. Italy and Germany quickly became a ball of body-parts. Shoulders, heads and arms all tangled together. Italy didn't know what bit to focus on, so grabbed a spare gigi and dived in. "More! More! More!" whispered Germany to Italy. Their love making was like a sunrise of penis's. Its like they were everywhere - inescapable (not that either of them wanted to escape them). Things got...messy...from that point on. Nearby the others occasionally heard screams. But politely ignored it. This had been coming far too long to ruin it now - and this team bonding was very much needed. So we snuck into the Russia's lair. It was dark and there were horrofic things on the walls. Through the dark and dank corridors of the lair's naughty rooms we went with outmost silence and skill. We sneaked past all the guards who had been turned into horrible bears by Russia's new invention. And this would also happen to the whole world if they wouldn't be able to steal the Flag bikini from Russia's hands! They went down the corridors and up the large majestic stairways made of bones and jewls of all shapes and sizes sprinkled with saffron.. One of the corridors led towards a great hall where in the middle of the hall stood a pedestal with a treassure chest on top and on that a red velvet pillow upon which laid a white silk finely woven cloth. And on that laid the Flag bikini. I knew that I had to use his Cowardice (which I learned from Italy) to get the Flag bikini but it would explode if he didnt believe in himself enough. Belgium inhaled firmly and wondered if I could pull it off. Japan stood ready with his weapon in his hand and Belgiums boobies in the other. I concentrated firmly and then carefully but powerfully unleashed my Cowardice. It worked! Italy was amazed at my skill! The shielding around the Flag bikini disintegrated like snow before the plower. It was amazing how my welding Cowardice was effective against Russia's indomitable powers. Unfortunately for our home boys, it wasn't enough "Halt!" whispered a creapy voice. Everyone turned towards the entrance of the hall where the voice came from. It was Russia! And he looked even less humane as before. He had used the power of the Flag bikini to transform into a horrific corpse of a lifeform. "Ha! Are you surprised by my new looks?" he said. "It is amazing! The powers I have now are beyond your comprehension!" "My comprehension is really good," I retorted and Italy and friends looked proud. "Hahaha of course yours is. But are you able to comprehend the future of this world? I bet you aren't that smart after all. I will rule the world now, you see and there is nothing you can do to stop me! Even when Italy taught you evreything he knows!" "But," said Russia with a lower tone, "even though you are not as smart as I am, you are surprisingly capable so I wish to make this offer: join me and we can rule this world together!" "Never in a million billion years!" screamed Italy! "Think about it, you can now still save your friends! Make them stop mutate ebefore I release my powers!" I saw Italy becoming . I knew he wanted to keep Belgium, Germany, Hungary and Japan alive for sex but I could not get Russia get away with it! But then I remembered: Russia no longer had the Flag bikini! He was powerless! But as if Russia could read my mind, Russia spoke: "Oh and your scheme to steal the Flag bikini? I no longer need it! I have gained all the power from it that I need in order to mutate everyone in the whole world! But not that you even considered going against me, I will destroy you. Such a shame, we could be such good...friends." (A/N by which he means sex bestys) "Lithium would never be friends with you!" said Hungary I thought she was right, but then again, Russia did look mighty sexy. "It is too late now anyway, said Russia, my plan is active now and I will give you the best place to enjoy it: from your prison cell!" Russia laughed and said to his guards: "lead them to my sex dungeon where you will suffer for all eternity in agony and pleasure. But I had not forgotten Italy's Cowardice. With the speed and spunk that I learned from his previous adventures, he concentrated and unleashed the Cowardice. Russia had not expected that. He thought he had trapped me and my friends and managed to demoralise them so much they would not resist. "Arggg!" Russia said. His guards did not know what to do. Their leader was too weak against this onslaught. What could they do against that sort of might? So they all fled! "Argh, noooo!" Russia extrapolated, "I was soo close to ultimate power!" Inspired by my succesfully attack Russia, Italy, Hungary and Germany also attacked Russia! "Arigh, no, noooo!" "I will unleash my final power!" Russia said and raised his arms to the sky and started proclaiming an evil spell. But Italy was too quick. He ran towards Russia and hit Russia in the chin. He was knocked out instantly. Everyone was happy and everyone was cheering for Italy who had avoided the apocalypse! Italy thanked me for my inspiration and actions. And now we all went home and wait until our next adventure!


End file.
